Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band – Hulk Rules

Ok, I promised I’d do a terrible album weekly now, and it’s hard to imagine with our feeble human minds an album more terrible than one done by a wrestler. It’s actually quite the tradition for wrestlers to pile-drive their way into other forms of media, whether it be terrible movies, music, television, the Philips CD-i, or being elected heads of state. America loves wrestlers, and the fact that the sole album from Hulk Hogan (and, lest we forget, The Wrestling Boot Band) was not only made, but actually charted, just goes to show exactly what’s wrong (or irrefutably right) about America:

Basically, this is an album where every song’s a winner. The pounding guitars and heavy 80′s drums that open the thing establish this point early on, and the chanting drives that point home:

The Hulkster’s in the house
Check him out, check him out
Get up off your seat
He’s got a brand new beat

And then Hulk himself comes in to roar “When the going gets tough, the tough get rough” before the next round of hard-driving nonsense starts. Yeah, it’s ridiculous, all right, but it does little to prepare you for what’s next.

“American Made”, sung by none other than Rick Derringer, proves that there IS singing on this album, but it wasn’t the wisest idea. That didn’t stop this guitar solo-laden caterwauling from becoming the Hulkster’s wrestling theme for a number of years (or so I have read). The lyrics, however, are pure motivational gold:

He’s got the red, white, and blue running through his veins
He was born and raised in the U-S-of-A
He’s government-inspected, he’s U.S. Grade
If you mess with the fact, it’s like a slap in his face
He’s American made (American made)

Not too bad so far, but we’re still not at the best stuff.

Yes, that’s right, we’ve got rap next with the song “Hulkster’s Back”, which features Hulk Hogan’s rapping, which I’ll be honest with you, is a worthy competition to Mr. T’s rapping from the 80′s. The fake horns and keyboard instruments really add a touch of class to Hulk grunting “What’s up dude!” and “Wanna arm wrestle?”, and “Hey there’s a new vein in my tricept!” and various other phrases that invariably end with “Brother”.

The keyboards don’t stop there, except the rest of the music switches to… tropical? Yep, we’ve got the song “Wrestling Boot Traveling Band” which is sung by someone far wimpier (but, to his credit, far more capable of hitting notes) than Hulk Hogan, and it’s hilarious. This one probably features Hulk on bass, since that was the instrument he learned to play at some point. This song also features the most awkward key change I’ve ever heard right at the end.

That song was a bit too wimpy, however, so of course the sound of a motorcycle introduces us to the next song, “Bad To The Bone”. No, it’s not a cover of the George Thorogood hit of the 80′s, it’s another song sung by that guy who shouldn’t be singing BESIDES the wrestler, and if you can listen to this song and agree, based on the lyrics and the vocal delivery, that the singer is “bad to the bone”, you’re clearly thinking of the wrong definition of “bad”.

Finally, the hit of the album, another rap song called “I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac”, which was (hopefully) aimed at the kids. It goes:

I want to be a Hulkamaniac
Have fun with my family and friends
I want to be a Hulkamaniac
Have fun with my family and friends

And then Hulk raps, and in lieu of talking about it, I think I’m just going to transcribe it:

If you want to be a Hulkamaniac
I can sure tell ya how to stay on track
You gotta train, say your prayers, eat your vitamins too
These are all the things that the ‘maniacs do
Positive thoughts, and positive deeds
These are the things that make us succeed
Always be good to your family and friends
There the only ones who’ll be there in the end

Doesn’t really sound like very “maniacal” behavior, but whatever. The song goes on to provide a very clear anti-drug message, and then about 10 choruses, and then another message about making sure to always swim with a buddy, and various other things that “the maniacs do”. You could learn a thing or two from this album!

We then have another rap song called “Beach Patrol”, a song about… you know, I’m not sure, it’s just kind of disconcerted party lyrics about being the “Beach Patrol” and kind of sticks around the subject of a lifeguard trying to take Hulk’s girlfriend, which is not a good idea.

Time for another soulful tune, this time called “Hulk’s The One”, sung (I think) by Hulk Hogan’s wife and later ex-wife, after she filed for divorce and started dating a 19 year old (she’s 50). Still, in 1995, “Hulk’s the one for me”, and I think we can all agree.

Finally, the track we’ve all been waiting for, the second-to-last track, called “Hulkster In Heaven”, which is about a Make-A-Wish Foundation kid whose wish it was to see Hulk Hogan wrestle in the UK before dying. When the Hulkster got there, however, he saw an empty chair, as the kid had died before his wish could be granted. A sad story indeed, and it moved the 6’7 300 pound wrestler to pen an epic tune that he actually sings (as opposed to just… commanding), against John Lennon-style piano and fake horns, and these words are simply too good to keep to myself:

I read it in the papers
I saw it on TV
I guess there’ll be one empty seat
When I wrestle in Wembley
I used to tear my shirt
But now you’ve torn my heart
I knew you were a Hulkamaniac
Right from the very start

You were my friend
I’ll see you again
When the Hulkster comes to Heaven
We’ll tag up again

The world just lost another Hulkamaniac
A friend to the end, I’ll see you again
I wish Hulk’s love could bring you back again

You were my friend
I’ll see you again

When I climb back in the ring
You know we’ll win this fight
I wish you were here at ringside
To cheer me on tonight
The spotlight now grows dim
And now it’s not on me
The prayers we said together
Are still our guarantee

You were my friend
I’ll see you again
When the Hulkster comes to Heaven
We’ll tag up again
The world just lost another Hulkamaniac
(A friend to the end, I’ll see you again)
I wish Hulk’s love could bring you back again

And, well, random lines are repeated in order to flesh this song out to 5 minutes. This song goes to prove that the power of love is more powerful than any Atomic Leg Drop.

Finally, we have one more song, appropriately titled “Hulk Rules” and sung again by that metal singer guy. I’m a little too choked up from “Hulkster In Heaven” though so I should wrap this thing up.

If there were ever an album written by a professional wrestler and a washed-up 80′s rocker, this is that album. It’s hugely entertaining, however, and given the Hulkster’s recent problems with his family and friends, I think we should all lend him our support through these trying times. After all, this millionaire entertainer with a mansion and muscles that each could independently destroy you is still a person. A person with feelings.

Don’t watch his reality TV show, though, it’s terrible.